Fundamentally I am a good person, generous, kind and loving but at this moment, no. Not at all. I am 25 years old, I am stone cold broke and I have had to move home to my family home because I managed to fuck things up so badly. I have only just turned 25 and with that milestone has come a new mentality. In previous years, If I was in the same situation, I would be laughing about, chalking it down to experience and saying such is life, reveling in the experience. But at my age, it is not funny anymore, I can't smile, wink and shrug my shoulders and tell myself I am a free spirit anymore.
Just a few weeks ago, a friend of mine said something which really made me think. We were going through a strained period and there was a couple of conflicts and he stated that he didn't agree with 'how I lived'. I got angry about it. I was thinking 'How dare he judge me like that, I make no apologies for the choices I make' but after more consideration I couldn't help think, how long can I be a monumental fuck up for?
What's a sound you hate; sound you love?
Picture the scene, you are laying on your bed or have your feet up on the couch. It is a Sunday afternoon and you have just eaten a delicious and hearty meal, lots of carbs. There is an old movie on and it is freezing cold out. You have the heating on, possibly even a fire lit. You are so relaxed and suddenly it starts to rain, you can hear it splash of the window and you cuddle up to the nearest thing, your pillow, a cushion or your boyfriend. Bliss. The sound of rain splashing of a window pane whilst you are full, warm and cozy, it is just heaven.
One sound I hate, to the point it actually gets a physical reaction from me. Nails on chalkboard. Even thinking about it sends a chill down my spine and makes my skin raise in goosebumps.
What's your biggest "what if"?
What if I had gone to university? What if I hadn't met Dwight? What if I hadn't moved to Manchester? What if I hadn't moved back? What if my house hadn't burnt down? Twice? What if I had not been revived? What if my attempt hadn't failed?
There are a few, they don't nag on my mind all the time. I am not massively pre-occupied with them either but sometimes, when I am thinking, they pop up and I try to imagine how different my life could have been or in some specific 'what if's' the friends of my family or friends had I not been around anymore.
Do you believe in ghosts?
No, not really. I would almost like to believe in them. I would like the world to have a bit of supernatural mystery. Can you imagine how fun things could be should the events in movies like Paranormal Activity could actually happen.
How about aliens?
Aliens, like those brought to life by Ridley Scott? No, but it would be arrogant of us to assume that we are the only life force in the entire galaxy. That just this one planet was blessed with evolution.
What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?
The best decision I have ever made, could be the worst decision I have ever made. Moving to Manchester back in 2007 was the start of an incredible journey. I met some of my best friends in the city, I fell in love for the first time, real love, head over heels, irrational love. I had some of the best experiences I never even knew possible. I reached a level of happiness there, I never even thought possible.
It could also be one of the worse decisions I have ever made also. It has taken over my entire existence, I feel so conflicted. I love the city, my friends and the freedom it gives me but at the same time, my family is in Dublin and I want to be able to enjoy both. I know I can't have both and I am incapable of deciding where it is I actually want to be.
What's the worst place you have ever been to?
Trying to think of answer to this question, I have actually realised that there is no place I have actually hated. I have never been somewhere and thought, I hate this, get me out of her. To give at least some semblance of an answer I tried to think of nights out I didn't enjoy or parties which were not fun. The best I can do is share a story about a party which turned into a disaster.
My friends Dee and Matthew were throwing a party at Dee's parents house, they had gone away for the weekend, we were all about 17 or 18 at the time. Her parent's lived in the same area as my Sister and Dad called Ballyfermot. This particular estate is a bit of crime hot spot, stolen cars, gangs break-ins etc. The party was in full swing, everyone was having a good time and getting drunk. I guess it got a little bit loud as gangs of other teenagers started to hang around outside and trying to get in. A group of older guys came and Dee and I were starting to get worried but we thought asking them to leave me cause a conflict and escalate any worries we had.
The guys started getting rowdy and before we knew it, a fight started to break out, the older guys, got into a fight with some other dudes and and someone was cut with a kitchen knife, girls were crying, I got into a scuffle with some other people. Luckily the police and an ambulance came and everyone cleared out. The guy that had been cut, luckily wasn't hurt to badly, even though there was blood every where. Dee and her younger sisters were crying and I was trying to hold myself together. When things first started kicking off, with the knife and the fight, I was genuinely terrified but managed to hold myself together. By the time I got home to my Dad's, my Sister had just got in from a night out and she could tell I was upset. As soon as she asked me what was wrong I broke down like a little girl. Trying to tell her the story between cries.
Can insanity bring on more creativity?
Yes, I believe it can. Some of the most infamous and talented artists in their fields where absolutely barking mad. I also believe a dedication to your craft can lead to insanity. Just look at Lady Gaga, bitch be crazy!
Most attractive actor of your opposite gender?
Although not massively successful but amazingly talented, I find Eliza Dushku of Bring It On, Buffy and Dollhouse fame to be really attractive. Her dark looks and husky voice turn me on as much as woman can. Plus she seems like such a fun person in real life.
To you, what is the meaning of life?
I have no fucking idea, I try not bog myself down with 'why are we here'. I just do what I do.
Define “Art”.
I think of art as any form of expression or action which deliberately effects or stimulates our senses, our emotions or our minds. From the writing of a song, to the construction of a story. I also believe that every single one of us is an artist. We all have the potential to create something wonderful.
Do you believe in luck?
Yes, I do. I often consider myself very lucky. I always manage to find something or land on my feet through random times of great luck. It sometimes makes me think, there must be a higher power looking out for me.
In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?
In my head, the ideal partner is someone who understands me, someone who I have almost everything in common, from our outlook, to our experiences and our sexual preferences. Someone that makes me laugh, makes me think. Who challenges and inspires me. He can identify when I need my space and doesn't resent having to give it to me. Give me the freedom to spend time with my friends and also has healthy relationship with people outside of our relationship.
What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?
Where were you yesterday?
I was at home, in my Mothers house. I didn't get out of bed till late. The night before I had been at a 30th birthday party which was held for my Brother in law Alan. I didn't drink and I was feeling a little down, missing my friends in Manchester. When I got home, I got high and stayed up until almost 9am, so I didn't wake up until the afternoon.
Later on in the evening, my Mother and decorated our house with Christmas decorations.We decorated two Christmas tree's. One real and one artificial. I love the smell of real tree and I am pleased with how it turned out. My Mother always makes our tree very classy and dignified.
What's the worst injury you've ever had?
Although I have had some operations due to some serious medical issues, I actually haven't been injured that often, which considering some of the mishaps I have gotten into, is nothing short of a miracle. But in the Summer of 2010, my Brother and I had rented some bikes in the Phoenix Park. We had been cycling all day and came across a pretty steep hill with a dirt track. It was really high and possibly very dangerous. Well, it was actually very dangerous, but we decided we would throw caution to wind and roll down it.
My Brother went first and he bombed down it and got to the bottom safely. When it was my turn, I pushed back and peddled down, going incredibly fast, it was awesome. But as I got to the bottom, I realised I wasn't slowing down in time and I was at risk of hitting into a raised area of grass and stones. In my panic I slammed the brake, the wrong brake. My front wheel jammed and I went over the handle bars and seemed to be sliding forever, when I finally stopped, the bike flipped and landed right on top of me. My back, shoulders and knee's were completely cut up, the bike had winded me and broke 2 of my ribs. Even though I was injured, it was still fucking epic.
Do you have any obsessions right now?
In a way yes. Being in such close proximity to so many opiates, strong opiates. It is a struggle not to take them and If I don't keep myself occupied, sometimes, it is all I can think about. Obsession is probably a strong word but it is a constant thought, even in the back of my head.
What's up?
Not much, just lying here naked, thinking about you.
Ever had a rumor spread about you?
Yes. When I was with my last boyfriend, his friends were always spreading rumors that they had seen me with someone else or they had spoken to someone who said I had slept with them. One of them had even cooked up this elaborate story saying I had fucked him in a sauna and brought him back to our flat whilst my boyfriend was out.Funnily enough, the times where I had slept with other people outside of the relationship never came up.
Do you believe in real magic?
Similar to the question regarding ghosts, I would like to believe to that magic is real. For those who have seen the Craft. How cool would it be if that stuff could actually happen?
Do you ever hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?
No, I don't. But saying that I have never been wronged so much that I have wanted to cut someone out of my life. It's usually how they react after they have wronged me that makes me reevaluate their place in my life. If they are sorry, then I can move on. If I know they are sorry, then nostalgia usually overrides any feelings of anger.
What's your favorite (non-pet) animal?
I love bears, I know they are vicious killing machines but wouldn't you just love to meet a gentle bear and give them a hug?
What is your secret weapon to get people to like you?
If I meet someone, in a social setting and I find we are not clicking or gelling like we should. Especially if we have friends in common or they are someones guest, I will usually ask them lots of questions. Most people like to talk about themselves and it will put them at ease. When asking questions, I can then find out their interests and find some common ground we can then discuss and make the conversation flow better.
Where is your best friend?
I am very lucky to have a few people I consider 'best friends'. People who I would do anything for and would return that favour. Some are in Manchester and some in Dublin. I love them and I miss the ones I can't be with now.
What do you think is Satan's last name?
Preston
