In the last few years, I have had all these significant moments in my life that have shaped and defined the person I am today. People that have come in my life, even people that have left it.
Grey's Anatomy is a television show, that I have recently fallen in love with and I guess this post is inspired by one of the more recent episodes. The season 8 episode If/Then, was a special What If episode and the shows lead character imagined what her life would be life now, if certain key moments never happened.
It was a couple of weeks ago now but I have been thinking about it a lot. What if?.......
I started with the earliest.
What if my Mom had not gotten sick?
Learning that my Mother was sick, was the key moment that, the moment that I really felt like my childhood was over. I had never had to worry about anything significant before. The thought of losing her was something I fretted about constantly for 2 years. But that wasn't the only effect it had on my life as it is now. My Mother was never the same after the 2 operations she had to remove the tumors that grew on her spinal column and at the base of her brain stem. Her personality had unfortunately changed and it effected out relationship. The years that followed were volatile. We argued constantly and it left me severely depressed. I turned to her medication and she turned to alcohol. Together the mix was toxic and out relationship has never fully recovered.
What if I never got addicted to painkillers?
For almost 5 years, drugs were my main priority. I wasn't focused on school and when I was working, I wasn't doing anything to carve a career for myself. I just was. I never could do much except wait until the next time I was able to get my hands on them. This would depress me further, so I would go out at weekends and get blind drunk or off my face on cocaine and pills and try not think about it. I am smart and even now, I feel like it is going to waste, that I had wasted to0 much time.
What if I had finished school?
To be honest, this question haunts me more than I would like, especially these last few years. When I first moved to Manchester, It was perfectly acceptable to me to be schooled in life rather than academics, I was having the time of my life, living without family for the first. But in the years that have passed, I have begun to wonder more and more, where I would be if I had gone to University. Would I already be a journalist right now? Would I have discovered my passion for debate and gone to Law school?
What If I had never moved to Manchester?
This is one question, that I almost 80% certain I already know the answer too. I genuinely think I would be dead. I have already died from a drug overdose there, I just think it would have happened a lot sooner. It ills me to know that the place has such a negative effect on me when I am exposed to it long term. Some of my best friends and my family are there, but the place is out of bounds for me. Living there cannot be an option for me.
What if I had never met my friend Damon?
You might wonder why he might be so significant. But without Damon, I would not have the amazing group of friends I have now. Sometimes it seems that they who I live for. See, I had started working for a company, just a few short days after I arrived here in Manchester and I quickly befriended Damon, through him I met Paul and Ben. I eventually moved in with Ben. Fell in love with my first boyfriend and really fell in love with this city. Through living here, I have met some of the most amazing people and developed a confidence I never thought possible. This seems overly sentimental, but its all true.
I think of these questions and I try and tell myself, that I can never know if what might have happened. I can just be grateful for what is happening now. But I know I am still not done yet. Things get tough for a while but I always try to remember 'It will always work out in the end'
